What I want
by Jenn11
Summary: Post ep for Want. Bobby and Alex think about each other and the things they said.
1. Chapter 1

Title: What I want

Author: Jenn

Rating: K

A/N: Post ep for S4 ep "Want". Minor spoiler for "Wee Small Hours". Also, my first LaO: CU fic.

1As Bobby downed three extra strength aspirin he heard Alex's voice in his mind.

"Try to hard to get inside his head you'll give yourself a migraine."

No, he thought. I've got a migraine now that I'm trying to get out of his head. Getting into it. . . that was easy. All too easy. He'd understood this suspect all to well. This time it was his own voice he heard.

"He's looking for someone who wouldn't be in a hurry to leave. Someone who would stay."

He was looking for the same thing. Someone who would stay. He'd gone through several partners before Alex. They'd all been anxious to transfer. To get away from him. In Alex he'd finally found someone who would stay. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to tell her just how much that meant to him. Such a simple thing- staying his partner- but it meant everything to him. She meant everything to him.

"You want to be truthful."

He did. He wanted to tell her the truth. That he loved her. Once again they'd played the role of a married couple. It wasn't the first time, and wouldn't be the last. It was so easy. So natural. They were even taken for a married couple at times when they weren't trying to play the role. And it was a role he loved. A role he wish he could truly have. He could thing of nothing he'd like better than a lifetime with Alex. But he wasn't really her husband. He was alone.

"The loneliness is so deep. You never get used to it."

He'd been speaking the truth. You never got used to being alone. He'd been alone for years and still wasn't used to it. And yet, when he was with Alex he didn't feel alone. It was one of the reasons he loved the long hours their cases demanded. Long hours with Alex. Hours when he wasn't alone. Every day since his mother had retreated into her own world the loneliness had grown deeper in him. . .until he'd met Alex. But when he went home at night, away from her, he felt the soul deep loneliness again.

"You needed to be connected to her. To be close to her."

He was connected to Alex, and he did need to be close to her. It sometimes felt as if she was a drug. A drug he was addicted to. A lot of people hated Mondays, but he looked forward to them. By Sunday night he was missing her, wanting to see her, talk to her, be near her. She was his connection. She kept him connected to the real world, so that he didn't end up lost in his own world as his mother had.

And then he heard her voice again.

"I guess now everyone has what they want."

Only partly, he thought. He wanted Alex. And in some ways he had her. He had her as a friend and partner, but not as a wife or lover. He had her in his life, but not in his home. . his bed. At that thought images of him and Alex making love in his bed filled his mind but he reluctantly pushed them away. As beautiful as she was, as desirable as she was, it was her mind and heart that had caused him to fall in love with her.

His phone rang, drawing him from his thoughts. As he reached for his phone he found himself hoping it would be Alex calling. They needed to talk.

Alex leaned back against the door after closing it. She usually didn't mind coming home to her empty apartment. Her family wasn't large, but their house had been small and privacy had been at a premium when she was a child. She'd always dreamed of having her own apartment, all to herself. But tonight was one of the nights it bothered her. She'd just had dinner with her sister and brother-in-law and their son. The son she'd carried and given birth to.

She remembered something she'd told Bobby earlier.

"I guess now everyone has what they want."

And professionally she did. She had a great job, and a brilliant partner. A partner she loved, in every meaning of that word. She had her own apartment in New York City. But she wanted a family of her own. She wanted to hold her own child, her own family. She wanted someone to look at her the way her brother-in-law looked at her sister. She decided that seeing her nephew, and pretending to be married to Bobby at the chocolate store was why she felt so lonely tonight.

Then she remembered something Bobby had said. "The loneliness runs so deep."

There'd been something about the way he'd said it. He was speaking from personal experience. She felt very sure of that. It hurt her to think that Bobby was so lonely. He shouldn't be lonely, he should be with someone. . . with her. She remembered other things Bobby had said.

"He's looking for someone who wouldn't be in a hurry to leave. Someone who would stay. Someone who won't judge."

Bobby's mother had left him, as had his father. And his partners before her hadn't stayed around long. Was Bobby also looking for someone who wouldn't leave him? Someone who wouldn't judge him? Guilt stabbed her as she remembered that she had judged Bobby, and almost left him. She'd written that letter asking for a transfer. The letter Bobby still didn't know about. If she had her way he'd never know about it.

But that letter had been written long ago. She no longer judged him, but admired him. . . loved him. And she knew she'd never voluntarily leave him. She loved him. She'd never tell him about the letter, but maybe it was time she told him about her feelings.

She quickly picked up her phone and hit the speed dial set for his number before she could change her mind.

END?

Okay, not sure if I should continue this or not. . .Yes? No? Maybe?


	2. Chapter 2

Title: What I Want

Author: Jenn

Rating: K+

A/N: Thanks for all the kind feedback. Sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter up. . . I had to rewrite several times before I was happy with it.

CHAPTER 2

"G1oren."

"It's Eames. . ." Suddenly she felt foolish. This wasn't a conversation you had over the phone. She needed to see him in person. She wanted to look into his eyes as she told him that she loved him, so she could see his honest reaction. She didn't want him to lie to spare her feelings.

"Alex?" He asked, concerned. The use of her first name, not unheard of, but rare, and the concern in his voice told her she was making the right choice.

"I need to talk to you. Are you busy tonight? Can I come over?"

"I'm not busy. Is everything. . . Are you. . . okay? Is something wrong?" He asked, not even trying to keep the concern from his voice.

"No. Nothing's wrong. I just need to talk to you. I'll see you soon," she said, hanging up the phone.

A frown on his face, Bobby closed his cell phone. Despite what she'd said, Bobby couldn't help but feel that something was wrong. In his experience a woman saying 'I need to talk to you' was never a good thing. It was what his mother had said right before she'd told him that his father had abandoned them. It was what his High School love had told him before she broke up with him. Was Alex going to tell him that she was leaving him? That she was requesting a transfer, a new partner?

Thinking it might be a long night he started the coffee maker, and pulled out the sugar bowl. Alex liked a lot of sugar in her coffee. No cream, but a lot of sugar. It was the kind of thing partners knew about each other.

Alex had to force herself to concentrate on her driving, instead of worrying what would happen when she got to Bobby's. She felt fairly sure that he loved her, just as she loved him. They were best friends, after all. But loving someone and being in love with them were two totally different things. Her feelings for Bobby had taught her that. What would happen if he said he wasn't in love with her? Would it end their friendship? Their partnership? 'Guess I'm about to find out,' she thought as she parked her car outside his building.

He buzzed her in immediately, and was waiting at his door. She saw the worry in his eyes, the tension in his body, and gave him a reassuring smile.

Seeing her smile, Bobby allowed himself to relax a little, but only a little.

"Want some coffee?" He offered once they were inside his apartment.

"Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks," she said.

He disappeared into the kitchen and she sat down on one side of the couch.

She was pleased that when he returned he sat on the couch, facing her, instead of taking the nearby chair. She took a sip of coffee, the hid her smile behind he mug. He always made her coffee just the way she liked it. Even her parents never got her coffee right, but Bobby got it perfect every time. It was such a little thing, but Bobby always paid attention to the little things. It was one reason he was such a good cop.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" he asked, internally bracing himself for the answer.

She saw the tension still in him, and suddenly things fell into place. She'd been so caught up in her own worries that she hadn't thought about what affect her admittedly enigmatic phone call might have had on him. "Goren. . . Bobby," she corrected. If she was going to tell him she loved him, she should at least use first names. "Nothing's wrong. I was just thinking about some of the things both of us said during this case."

He relaxed a bit. "Oh. What things? Something. . . Something specific?"

"Yeah. You said that the loneliness ran deep, and that you never got used to it. You were talking about yourself, weren't you?"

His first instinct was to say 'no' but he couldn't lie to her. He could lie to suspects without a second's hesitation, but he couldn't lie to her. He'd never been able to lie to the people he loved. "Yes," he admitted.

"I don't want you to be lonely, Bobby," she said in a soft voice.

"So, what do you want?" he asked, hoping to change the subject back to her.

'I want you,' thought, but didn't say aloud. There had to be a better, more subtle, way to tell him that. This was Bobby she was talking to after all. She didn't know anyone better at reading between the lines of what people said, to see their true meaning. "Do you remember that case with the lawyer who had five girl friends?"

"Yes," he answered, not sure why she would mention the case. But he knew her well enough to be sure she'd mentioned it for a specific reason, she wasn't changing the subject.

"We were at the hostess bar, and you were dancing with one of the hostesses. I wanted to be the one dancing with you," she confessed.

"You. . .you were jealous?" he asked, unable to keep the note of disbelief from his tone.

"Yes," she admitted. It had been when she'd realized that her feelings for her partner had changed. The jealousy she'd felt had made her face the fact that she didn't just love Bobby, she'd fallen in love with him.

Rather than answer Bobby reached over and picked up his remote, turning on the stereo. He set the CD changer to a different CD, then to the song he wanted.

"Dance with me now?" he asked.

Her first instinct was to say yes, but . . . "Bobby, we need to talk."

"We can talk while we dance," he said. After her revelation he needed to hold her. Needed to have her in his arms.

He held his hand out to her, and when she placed her hand on his neither could help but notice how small her hand looked in his.

A moment later they were slow dancing together. They stood close, but not so that it was full body contact. They both enjoyed the tease of their bodies brushing together, then parting ever so slightly, hen brushing together again as they moved. Bobby thought about how right it felt to have her in his arms. How perfectly she fit against him. Alex felt a sense of peace, of belonging, that she'd never had before.

After a minute of silently dancing Bobby spoke. "You said you didn't want me to be lonely. I'm not lonely now. I'm never lonely when I'm near you," he admitted.

"I'm glad. What do you want Bobby?"

"I don't want to lose you."

"You aren't going to lose me. That's not something you need to worry about. But you didn't answer the question. What do you want?"

"I want you in my life. As my partner, my friend. . . it doesn't matter, as long as I have some connection with you. As long as I have you close."

She didn't miss how closely what he said resembled what he'd said to the suspect during the interrogation. "And what if I wanted to be something besides a friend?"

Instead of answering he leaned down and kissed her.

Bobby did nothing to hide the desire he felt, letting it come through in the kiss. In return, Alex opened her lips for him, a silent invitation to deepen the kiss. As he tasted her moth Bobby used all his self control to keep the kiss from becoming something more, as part of him wanted to.

Alex felt the control Bobby was exerting over himself. He let her take the kiss as far as she wanted, not pushing further. She appreciated that, but wanted more. Always thinking about others needs, not his own. She wanted him to focus on what he wanted and needed for once. Bobby was always so controlled. She'd seen his temper, but it had always been for show, for affect, he'd never truly been out of control. Wanting him to let go of his control, she deepened the kiss.

As Alex deepened the kiss and moved against him Bobby felt his control slipping and pulled back from the kiss.

Alex rested her head on his shoulder as they both tried to get their breathing back to something like normal.

"You. . . you said we needed to talk," he finally said.

"You asked what I wanted. I want you to let go of your control. Let yourself just feel for once."

"I. . . I can't, Alex. You don't. . . don't know what your asking." Keeping mental control at all times was the only way he knew to keep himself from drifting off into madness as his mother had.

Leaning back a little Alex let his support her weight, which he easily did. She looked up into troubled brown eyes. She could see that Bobby wanted to do as she asked, but was afraid to. Afraid. . . "You think if you let go of your control you'll end up like your mother."

"Yes. . ."

The song ended, and Alex stepped away. "Let's sit back down and talk," she suggested.

Bobby picked up the remote again and turned off the stereo before sitting down on the couch again. This time Alex moved to sit so she was leaning against Bobby, and he instinctively wrapped his arms around her.

They talked for a while about his mother, then fell into a comfortable silence. Neither wanted to move. Neither wanted to break the bond they felt forming. Or rather, the deepening of the bond they already shared. For a long time they just sat together, content to be close. Each lost in their own thoughts.

Alex realized that they hadn't really talked about how they felt about each other. But the kiss they'd shared had pretty well answered that question, she thought. The passion they'd both been feeling had been undeniable. There would be time to talk in the future. She'd wanted to let him know how she felt about him, and she had. That was enough for one night.

Bobby was also happy with the evening. In some ways he was glad that they hadn't told each other their feelings in words. Every day they used words to manipulate and lie to suspects. He didn't want that between them. Not that he didn't want to tell Alex he loved her, or hear her say she loved him. He did. But the time for that would come. He was more than happy just to hold her close for the evening. As long as he had her close, he didn't need, or want, anything else.

TBC

A/N: Again, sorry this chapter took so long to post.

Riccie: Thanks! Since this is my first LaO:CI fic it's REALLY REALLY nice to hear I got the character right!

Piperaurelia: Thank you! Glad you liked it.

Good Story: Thanks for the idea. I couldn't figure out how to split this chapter up into a chapter for each. But I'll try and do that with a future fic, or the next couple chapters.

Gerfan: Thank you! Hope you also like this chapter.

Emrald124: Thanks for the feedback.

Jackson384: THANKS!

InfinityStar: I'll try to come up with more "and so forths" to keep the story going;-) Thank you!

Bringirl2001: Hope you liked this chapter. THANKS!

Aria: More, as requested;-)

Optimistically Pessimistic: (Love that pen name;-) Thanks. Glad you liked the story.

TriStateCopFan: Thank you!

SecretPhoenix679: THANKS! Hope you like this chapter too.

Pumpkin Spice: Thanks!


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